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| 14 more days... y does it seem now at almost 28 there are so many things missing in my life? my soul is still empty, heart still numb to many things. however i've changed it seems like it was mostly influenced from her. i dont get it, the questions i have aren't get answered fast enough. at least i know for a fact it doesn't hurt anymore. just a painful 9 months to get to this point. maybe its true what they say, you dont marry the one you truely love, but the one that you can stand... will i ever get the piece of me back the part of me that wants to try with everyhting i have, or will it just be a conquest thing now. wat happened to me is this change permanent? is this who am i am. or is it i have to wait it out to find someone who wont take the things i've done for granted. i really dont know. i'm surround by couples, marriage, people having kids and i look at my life. i'm no where near that, yet i'm content alone for the first time in a long time. this might be the longest i have been single 4 months and counting. how funny is that. oh well what can you do. at least this much is clear 9 months later i'm find, 6 more month and it wont affect me. only one thing that bugs me now is. do i miss the closeness w/ someone or do i miss the one who wasen't ever rigth for me? hopefully this answer will become clearer when the next six months are over. | | |
| so.... wat the fuck is going on theses days. bad dates, bad dreams... each dream i have seems to be a wound reopening up, its getting annoying. i cant sleep a full nite it seems at like 3-4 am i wake up from a bad bad dream which i cant seem to kick no matter wat mood i seems to be in theses days. its like someone opened the part me i lock up in the box marked not to be opened. at nite theses dreams seem to come to life and haunt me with old feelings and emotions. which makes me wake up irriated and pissed of. this puts me in such a bad mood in the morning. so we move on to the rest of the good life/ routine. everything else is great accept dating. do i have a mark on my head saying welcome bad dates? freaking pissing me off. lol oh well maybe another month = something better to happen.. | | |
| sigh its hard i can tell anyone how i truly feel inside. dewell on things i should think about, yet i dont understand why i dwell on theses things anymore. over and done, i'm moved yet the heart lingers in a place, where it seems that it wont leave. is there something left that needs to be finished? or was it actually true love? i really dont know anymore. life proceeds each day, yet maybe its not you, but its the fact that i have no time for anythign else and all i remmber is the past memories. i walk each day hiding feelings, cant tell anyone i'm to scared to mention what i'm thinking. even moving on has be difficult. no one seems to be able to remake the magic again. i dont feel like work in the relationship. eerrr well even if i did it was momentary. broke or dont care? dating the wrong ones or havent found the right one? shit who knows. i really dont know wat to do. i pray life gives me an answer soon. i need to move off this plateau that i have been stuck on for the last 6 months. for know i guess i should stick with this. sherene 4 years => esther 2 years [3 months in the middle] => julie 4 months [no time in the middle] guess i need my space. past7 years i have only been single for 8 months or less. shit who knows... i need a sign, give a an fing sign! | | |
| so there has been no contact with you for a few weeks now. i'm happier yet there is still a void in my heart which seems unfillable at this point. i really dont understand why? was wat we had that special to make me want to try with you again? i'm not 100 percent sure of that. i guess in the end you only think of the good instead of the bad times. which is lame because it clouds your judgement. work is pushing along big, better now. yet there hasen't been a day when my thoughts have not dewelled on you. its not fair that i have to go through this, still feel this way. yet, it hurts less each day. wow doesnt' that suck, you spend 2 years with a person and can't even give tehm a call to say hello. because you fear falling back in to that trap with them. i have to remember i am better off without you. i'll be strong enough not to go back again. no brings me to everything else in my life. after the mess that was that relationship i am still surround by the ones who are closest to me, yet now even more people. the way i see it is that you lost me, lost my love and devotion. no matter wat i did it would not turn your soul. so i guess let it hurt for a while and move past this some how.. | | |
| so.... how do you return from feeling lost? how do you find direction when every aspect of you life goes in different ways? why does everything straight up pile up? i haven't seen my friends out of guilt cuz i dont want lose time with my family guess it still seems to good to be true. i have so much fun with my family brings me almost to tears to see them and spend time with them. i dont know... love seems to elude me, i dont seem to understand how or why its nesscary to love some one or thing this much all it seems to do is end in heart break. if its true i can't seem to spend 24/7 with someone why do i even bother? i know this much i've lost my own time dont know what it is that i want to do or like to do anymore. i'm alway thinking of others, this is my curse always caring for others needs and not my own. hmm... i hope by next year when work turns for a better it will lead me to have more time for the things i love and hold dear. | | |
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